All That's Been Promised

Every once in awhile, the pain of being infertile comes rushing back. Last week I randomly came in contact with a friend from my high school years and one of Zane's friends got in contact with him again.  These were two guys we hadn't seen since our marriage and in my case from before college. There are always questions about our family but on my part I always think that whatever guy friend I come in contact with is thinking, "I'm so glad I didn't marry her because she can't have kids."  Please note that the idea of marrying me never crossed either of these two guys mind, but that doesn't stop me thinking they are glad they didn't.

With the birth of Dallin, the holes in my heart caused by the infertility years slowly healed.  Lets face it, as a new mom you are too busy raising your child to think constantly that you didn't actually give birth.  It didn't seem to matter.  I was a mom and that was all I ever wanted.  I think it also helps that with the adoption process you start focusing less on yourself and think more about the incredible women placing their babies for adoption.  Infertility never really goes away though.  I feel it more when I'm starting the adoption process again because I get so frustrated with the paperwork.  I'm happy when my friends and family members give birth, but I'll admit I had a good crying session when my older brother unexpectedly got pregnant with their third child (we had just lived through losing Dallin's half brother) and when I had to run something up to the hospital where my sister was giving birth and was practically there for it.  I'm not sure why, but seeing/hearing her in labor led to another crying session (although you would think I would just be grateful I didn't have to do that).  Again though, these moments are really rare.

Zane knows just what to say when I get down about being infertile. Two comments in particular will go down as some of the most romantic words ever spoken to me (and I mean this in all seriousness).

"I heard a few years back that a girl I dated before my mission had three or four children.  I thought then how glad I was that I married you."

"Ariane (probably said in an exasperated tone) I didn't marry you for your ovaries."

Zane knows just what to say to pick me up and realize that what we have together is pretty special and that the way our family is created is nothing more than miraculous.

I have one special song that helped me through my years.  It is my celebration song.  It reminded me to have hope when I thought all hope was gone.  I added the song to some slides to celebrate the miracle that our family is and to remind myself how wonderful we have it!

"Patiently" sung by Elizabeth Brown from the CD "Chosen: Songs of Hope Inspired by Adoption"