All That's Been Promised

Every once in awhile, the pain of being infertile comes rushing back. Last week I randomly came in contact with a friend from my high school years and one of Zane's friends got in contact with him again.  These were two guys we hadn't seen since our marriage and in my case from before college. There are always questions about our family but on my part I always think that whatever guy friend I come in contact with is thinking, "I'm so glad I didn't marry her because she can't have kids."  Please note that the idea of marrying me never crossed either of these two guys mind, but that doesn't stop me thinking they are glad they didn't.

With the birth of Dallin, the holes in my heart caused by the infertility years slowly healed.  Lets face it, as a new mom you are too busy raising your child to think constantly that you didn't actually give birth.  It didn't seem to matter.  I was a mom and that was all I ever wanted.  I think it also helps that with the adoption process you start focusing less on yourself and think more about the incredible women placing their babies for adoption.  Infertility never really goes away though.  I feel it more when I'm starting the adoption process again because I get so frustrated with the paperwork.  I'm happy when my friends and family members give birth, but I'll admit I had a good crying session when my older brother unexpectedly got pregnant with their third child (we had just lived through losing Dallin's half brother) and when I had to run something up to the hospital where my sister was giving birth and was practically there for it.  I'm not sure why, but seeing/hearing her in labor led to another crying session (although you would think I would just be grateful I didn't have to do that).  Again though, these moments are really rare.

Zane knows just what to say when I get down about being infertile. Two comments in particular will go down as some of the most romantic words ever spoken to me (and I mean this in all seriousness).

"I heard a few years back that a girl I dated before my mission had three or four children.  I thought then how glad I was that I married you."

"Ariane (probably said in an exasperated tone) I didn't marry you for your ovaries."

Zane knows just what to say to pick me up and realize that what we have together is pretty special and that the way our family is created is nothing more than miraculous.

I have one special song that helped me through my years.  It is my celebration song.  It reminded me to have hope when I thought all hope was gone.  I added the song to some slides to celebrate the miracle that our family is and to remind myself how wonderful we have it!

"Patiently" sung by Elizabeth Brown from the CD "Chosen: Songs of Hope Inspired by Adoption"

Beautiful Heartbreak

I love this song from Hilary Weeks.  It puts into words so many of my thoughts and feelings over the years.  I have been thinking about infertility a lot lately as I have two friends struggling with secondary infertility.  They are both at that moment when the doctor looks at you and says he doesn't know what else to do.  That maybe they should look at other options.  It has been almost five years since my last IVF when our doctor said those words to us.  A door was closing on our hopes and dreams and at the same time another door, called adoption, was opening.   It was new, different and very scary, but soon we started seeing a new light shine through.  We grabbed hold of that light and started learning everything we could about adoption.  Hope came back in our lives then.

During those infertility years I struggled at church and other activities listening to women talk about their pregnancies, complain about pregnancies, or complain about children.  I just wasn't in a place emotionally that I could handle it.  I felt like God must love these women more than me because they could get pregnant or that there was something wrong with me.  I felt God must not think I was good enough to be a mom.  

It was at these lowest points that I would see miracles happen. These came in the form of a church talk that said exactly what I needed to hear, something that a friend said, or a peaceful feeling in my heart that brought the comfort and a surety that God heard my prayers and would answer them in His way and His time.  This was also the time when I started to understand the atonement of Jesus Christ better and build a relationship with him.  

I was asked today while a women was talking about a surprise pregnancy if it was hard to hear things like that, someone who can get pregnant so easily.  I'm so glad that I could say that it doesn't bother me anymore.  Infertility never goes away and there are times when I still get sad, but I'm sad for different reasons.  The hard days come when we are trying to find our next baby and I'm frustrated with the process.  Those days all I can think about is how much easier, and lets face it, more fun, it would be if I could just get pregnant.  Now I know that pregnancy really isn't easy.  I have watched members of my family go through sickness the entire pregnancy to extremely hard recoveries, but on days when I'm really frustrated with the adoption process, I forget about those things and just think how hard I have it.  Those days are far and few between though.  Instead I try not to think about the long journey ahead of us, and instead think about the end result.

Infertility took an emotional battering to my heart, but with each hug and kiss from my boys, my heart starts to heal.  Zane and I don't have this wishful thinking deep down hoping to get pregnant one day.  We closed that door and are thrilled with the path we are on.  We are thrilled because that path gave us two beautiful boys.  I wouldn't change anything about my boys including their birth stories.  Their birth families are part of who they are, and my boys and their birth families are amazing.

Every fear, every doubt, All the pain I went through

Was the price that I paid to see this view

And now that I’m here I would never trade

The grace that I feel and the faith that I find

Through the bittersweet tears and the sleepless nights

I used to pray that He’d take it all away,

But instead it became

A Beautiful Heartbreak.
 (Chorus from "Beautiful Heartbreak" by Hilary Weeks)

So to my friends going through infertility, don't give up.  There is a plan and one day when you have little arms wrapping around your neck giving you hugs and kisses you will look back at the journey and say it was worth it.